OSCAR HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS I am the Juggernaut, BITCH!!! Yes indeedly-doodly, there's a little extra BOOM in yer old pal Jerky's strut since he went 4-for-4 with his Oscar picks this year. And seeing as I make it a habit of only betting on Best Actor, Actress, Director and Picture, I am now sitting pretty on a very nice pile, thank you very much. Paying off especially well was my late, long-shot wager on Crash for Best Picture, just as Brokeback Mountain was acquiring an air of inevitability with most bookies. Needless to say, I'll be rolling in Reese's Big Cups and ill-gotten pharmaceuticals for the foreseeable future. Too bad the ceremony itself was so mediocre, continuing a downward slide in quality that began... oh, I guess it was sometime in the mid-70's or so. Aside from the abundance of visual delights provided by all the scrumptious ladies done up in their awards show best, this year's telecast offered precious little in the way of flash, drama, surprises or inspired moments. Here are some of the highlights and lowlights, as well as a little off the cuff commentary, about this year's Academy Awards show, as filtered through yer old pal Jerky's no doubt prion-riddled brain… *** **** *** JON STEWART, SMARTEST GUY IN THE ROOM First things first, we finally got an answer to the question that was on everyone's lips in the days leading up to the Oscars: how would Jon Stewart fare? Not too good, it turns out. A little better than Chris Rock, but not much. Sure, the part where all the surviving Oscar hosts refused the thankless "honor" was well done. The pre-taped negative campaign ads for Best Actress, voiced by Stephen Colbert, were particularly good. And yes, Stewart ad-libbed some tasty zingers throughout the show. But it was obvious from the get-go that Stewart was deeply conflicted about the gig. His monologue went over like the Creeping Death, and his jokes at the audience's expense felt forced; the act of a man deeply worried about losing his satirical credibility. Whenever they'd pan the audience for reaction shots, half of them had a look on their face as though they'd just swallowed a rancid oyster. Forgetting that he was addressing an audience that roundly booed Michael Moore for telling uncomfortable truths about the invasion of Iraq a couple years ago, Stewart chose "liberal Hollywood" as his easy target of choice. He limited himself to a single joke at the administration's expense; the one about Dick Cheney shooting Bjork. Hilarious. Stewart is fast falling victim to a form of comedic anorexia. He's so invested in the bogus illusion of his frosty non-partisanship that he's willing to forego prime rib in favor of a limp celery stick to maintain it. With psychopaths, thieves and murderers on a historic scale stalking the corridors of American power, picking on liberals for being "out of touch" at this point seems like teasing a rape victim, or punching a homeless vet in the face. The worst part is, Stewart knows better. You can see it in his eyes when he pulls one of those exaggerated, "ironic" cringes of his. You get the feeling he'd like to tell you how he really feels, but he'd be out of a job if he did. So, all in all, Stewart's Oscar gig represented a major missed opportunity, but it shouldn't keep him from replacing Letterman when the D-man decides to retire to Montana. So there's that. BITS AND PIECES The ratings for this year's Oscars were shockingly low. The lowest, in fact, since 1987, which is the last time the American home viewing audience dipped below the forty million mark. In yer old pal Jerky's not-so-humble opinion, there are a number of reasons for this. First, the Oscars simply aren't as "special" as they used to be, because nowadays there are literally dozens of award shows swamping the market. Also, none of the movies nominated this year were particularly impressive at the box office. The final factor in Oscar's low ratings this year was, of course, Pat Robertson's prayers. I still can't decide whether the decision to continue playing music under the winners' acceptance speeches was a stroke of genius, or a colossal boner. On the one hand, it was an ever-present reminder to the notoriously ADD-afflicted "arts community" to stay on message. On the other hand, it was kind of rude. So it was a mixed bag. Another mixed bag was the reliance on clip compilations in lieu of production numbers. Did we really need extended commercials for historical epics and film noir, two of the least popular genres in cinema today? Sure, it was better than a Debbie Allen-choreographed interprative dance routine inspired by the sex scene from Brokeback Mountain, but by how much? And as for all that preachy bullshit about how watching movies on DVD "just isn't the same" as watching them at the cineplex... they're right. You hardly ever get emasculated by a gang of cell-phone yammering, Peanut M&M-flicking thugs when you watch a movie in your living room. Did my eyes decieve me, or did Jon Stewart's crack abuout Scientology instantly curl John Travolta's hair into a tight little pubic 'fro? I switched channels about fifteen minutes into it, so can anyone tell me if Reese Witherspoon is done with her acceptance speech yet? Lilly Tomlin and Merryl Streep... what the fuck was that all about? I mean, I "got" it -- Robert Altman's movies have lots of overlapping dialogue -- but Jesus Fucking Nailholes, he eventually yells "CUT"! Watching that bit was like being stuck on a roller-coaster in the shape of a Moebius strip. They must have both acquired a contact high from whatever drugs Lauren Bacall was taking before she staggered onstage and humiliated herself before God and Country. Watching that felt like dying a little bit on the inside. Speaking of Lifetime Achievement Award-winner Robert Altman, our old pal ACD says he was mighty impressed by his Michael J. Fox impression. Yer old pal Jerky is just impressed that he's still making movies -- even a few good ones -- more than a decade after getting a full heart transplant. Way to keep thumping, Bobby! Kiera Knightley was fucking adorable, for a twelve year old boy. So was Jessica Alba, for a retarded chick. Naomi Watts, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Garner, Rachel Weiczstqxz and Charlize Theron weren't half bad, either. And I would saw my own two legs off with a butter knife for just a single sniff of Salma Hayak's buttcrack. The ladies did themselves proud. Phillip Seymour Hoffman... isn't he the guy who shot McKinley?! Everybody's shocked that Brokeback Mountain didn't win for Best Picture. Not yer old pal Jerky. My prediction that Capote would split the homo vote proved true, and Crash was always the insider choice, anyway. So never doubt me, ever again. M'kay? They left Bob Denver off the list of dead people! He was Gilligan, for fuck's sake! GILLIGAN!!! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 3 On this day in 468 AD, Saint Simplicius is chosen to succeed Pope Hilarius as Supreme Pontiff of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. This, of course, took place during the Monty Python era of the Dark Ages. On this day in 1803, the impeachment trial of Judge John Pickering, the first ever of a federal judge, begins. Unless I'm mistaken, Preznit Dubya recently unearthed and re-submitted Pickering's mortal remains for Congressional approval. On this day in 1861, Russian Tsar Alexander II abolishes serfdom, prompting his newly-liberated subjects to complain about not having anything to do anymore. March 4 On this day in 1835, biologist Charles Darwin's ship, the HMS Beagle, moves into the Bay of Concepción… if you know what I mean. Heheheh… On this day in 1952, future President Ronald Reagan marries fellow actress Nancy Davis. "No means just say no!" During an interview on this day in 1966, Beatle John Lennon says "We're more popular than Jesus." The smell of burning vinyl ensues. On this day in 1968, the reverend Martin Luther King Junior announces plans to launch a Poor People's Campaign, to address the color-blind problem of poverty in America. This proves to be the straw that breaks the backs of The Powers That Be, who promptly have MLK assassinated by a "lone nut assassin". March 5 On this day in 1558, Francisco Fernandez introduces smoking tobacco to Europe. Soon thereafter, Fernando Franciscez invents the breath mint. On this day in 1868, Englishman C.H. Gould patents the stapler, then sits back and waits for somebody else to patent staples. On this day in 1953, the death of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin is announced. All together now: "Awwwwww!" On this day in 1998, psychologically fragile singing diva Mariah Carey divorces her mobbed-up music industry big-shot husband, Tommy Mottola. Wow… that's almost as sad as the death of Stalin!

THEY SAID IT! "After years of service to my country, going the right way, I made a very wrong turn. No man has ever been more sorry. ... Some say I've lost everything, but, your Honor, you have no idea. I have three children. I asked them to stay away. I didn't want them to go through this spectacle. ... I didn't jump into a pack of MIGs for ego, I did it because it was the right thing to do." - Boo-fucking-hoo, "Duke" (R-Scumbag), boo-fucking-hoo. *** **** *** "BE A VIRGIN & BE COOL HAVE SEX AND BE A FOOL" - Oh, for the love of... COME ON!!!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Kerusty! A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Wally for sending in today's second joke. A plane leaves the Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Pearl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "it was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, no mattah... all same!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by McTubers... A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN... care of: Nan or Ben You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine. You believe not all patients are annoying; some are unconscious. Your sense of humor gets more warped each year. You know the phone number of every late night delivery place by heart. You can only tell time by the 24-hour clock. Almost everything can seem humorous...eventually. Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pocket. You check the caller ID on your day off to see if anyone from the hospital is trying to call you in to work. You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at the other table throw up. You notice you are using more 4-letter words than you did before you started nursing. You can intubate your friends at parties. You don't get excited about blood unless it's your own. You live by the motto: "to be right is only half the battle; to convince the doctor is more difficult". You've basted your Thanksgiving day turkey with a toomey syringe. You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker and to holler if they need help. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is completely normal. Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank. You find yourself checking out other customer's veins in grocery waiting lines. You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break and not be embarassed when you wake up. You avoid unhealthy-looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR. You throw a party for a co-worker and use a clean urinal for a lemonade pitcher and a bedsheet for a table cloth. You have to get dressed in "real clothes" because scrubs are what you live in and why can't they make jeans that comfortable??? You often stay awake for 24+ hours at a time when you work at night and realize you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate; only lack of sleep. Your finger has gone places you never thought possible. You have seen more penises than any prostitute. You've sworn to have "DNR" tattooed on your chest. If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, it's just to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental state. - Nan or Ben [God Bless Nurses. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Yo, MOPJerky! Thanks for your predictions. I made book on them, and now we're swimming in it! 4 for 4! Can I get a HELL YEAH! YOPJoe [HELL YEAH! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; You were right on the money with your selections. JJ [Don't I know it! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Congranfuckulations!!! Don't break your arm patting yourbadself on the back! R. Gold [Hooray for me! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ Thanks for the picks!! I won the office pool by not doing my homework and paying to see them films - I just went with your picks!!! Saved about eighty bucks (with popcorn, candy and pop with which to mix a little Cap'n Morgan), plus won about thirty bucks. I'll be drinking top shelf tomorrow. Yee-haw. Boypig (p.s. If the Bushistas would only let you do their homework!) [Don't forget to send my ten percent. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky Was it also part of your lesson in cutting and pasting to show how easy it is to cut and paste the wrong thing? I believe your discription of Dame Judy Dench was actually a discription of Australian commedian Barry Humphrey's alter ego "Dame" Edna Everage. yop Sklag [Noooooooo!!!!! - Jerky] *** **** *** Wow. Fucking WOW!!! U nailed all 4, dammit. It's like a miracle or something. I'll be waiting for pictures from your party. Hopefully you won't leave out those with Angelina Jolie, Reese Witherspoon and Charlize Theron in a hot 3some fueled by the best champagne available at Chateau LeBoeuf. Dex [Those stuck-up cunts never showed. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, You did yourself proud this year! Pour yourself an extra shot! The Old Fart [I'm way ahead of you, bro! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky, Dane Judy Dench is a real woman really, either you are setting a trap in which case "you got me" or you are confusing the good lady with an Australian performer whose name escapes me at present. Best Regards, Chef Paul [Which do you suppose it was? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky Och Laddie dinna ye ken Haggis is a SHEEP'S stomach, ye Sassenach!! M. Bacon [Sheep guts, goat guts... who but a Scottsman can taste the difference? - Jerky] *** **** *** Future shock; oscars, good one, as eerie as it gets, you're picks are amazing. Beachbeaux [Yes. Yes, they are. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com